Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Roses = the good things that have happened in your life for the past day/week/month/etc. Thorns = the bad.

My roses and thorns for the first day of second semester..

Rose:
My kid who was in court and facing time in juvy was back in school today.. which means the judge must have gone easy on him or something. You could totally just see it on his face that he was so happy to be back in school. A kind of glow almost (I'm sure I didn't just imagine it!) He came in after school to make up his finals, which he has been doing all day. He's got a good student in him somewhere, maybe this was his wake-up call. As he was making up his final he asked me questions when he didn't understand and tried really hard, and pulled a C (which is VERY GOOD compared to his slacker buddies). I'm looking forward to this semester with him.

Thorn:
Found out last night that one of my students was shot on Saturday night. Something about an adult trying to rob someone in the house. I haven't dug around for the whole story, but can you imagine? He's freaking 17 years old, a senior in high school. I went to visit him in the hospital after school today. He looks as good as you can look after being shot in the stomach with a bullet going through your colon and kidney (or was it liver?) Thankfully the operation went well and he's expected to fully recover. But it was actually some kind of amazing to see how resilient these kids are.. when I was visiting his nurse(?) came by to see if he wanted to try walking between her and another nurse. He asked if they had a walker he could use because he wanted to use his own strength to walk, not rely on them to hold him up. Trooper.

That being said, I sincerely hope you, my readers, will never have to visit a 17 year-old in the hospital because of a gun shot wound. There's just something so broken with this world when an adult shoots a child in his own home. It took all the strength I had to not break down and cry in the elevator as I left the hospital. And tonight I fully plan on spending some time w/ Mr. Haagen Daaz and Mr. Bailey's Irish Cream.. because it's just one of those nights.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Your Hand in Mine

Now that we've reached the end of first semester, I get asked the question from my coworkers a lot-- how was your first semester? Are you going to be sticking with us for next year? And while it's still early to make any concrete decisions, I can already see why a lot of people leave urban teaching within the first few years. Sometimes it can just be too much for one heart to hold.

One of my kids was in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people.. and has landed himself in custody this week. He's missing all of his finals. The judge won't even let us send our exams to him to take in the detention center. This poor kid is a perfect example of a student who has become a product of his environment. He came to our school two years ago, smart as a whip and very academically talented.. but he fell in with the wrong crowd and has been very touch and go with his schooling these days. He's brilliant, there's no doubt in my mind about that. He's one of these kids who can not do a lick of work all quarter but then miraculously pull a 95% on a unit test. When he's on, he's on, I've seen it.

But now he's gotten into some real trouble. I fear for him, because I'm afraid he's at a turning point in his life now. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I feel like if this is it for him, if he gets sentenced and does time.. he's not coming back from this. He wants so much to be in school and at least finish up his exams, but if he doesn't get to and ends up failing out of this semester.. I just don't know. His case is getting a final hearing tomorrow morning at 9.

I had a lovely chat with the senior class counselor today about my seniors who are failing or on the verge of failing the semester. Almost every kid who I know has so much potential but isn't succeeding at school has a unique story about just why school doesn't quite matter that much to them.

One of my girls had been pretty much MIA for the first half of the semester. Finally she came in with the counselor and her mom. She's a senior who's taking almost no academic classes and basically just needs credit for my class to graduate. She promised to turn in all the work she was missing and be on her game for the rest of the semester. She was one of those kids who was able to pull good grades on tests and do the work on her own, so I made a deal with her. I'd accept late work--even from past quarters, if she kept it up and pulled her grade up by the end of the semester. She was doing really well until right around Christmas break. I stopped seeing or hearing from her for a while. Today the counselor told me that her father passed away. What do I do? Do I pass her on effort? The work is not there.. but I know she could have done it if circumstances were different.

I found out why another one of my students has horrible attendance but does well in my class when he is there. His really good friend was a student at our school, but then got into some trouble and dropped out. After dropping out he lived on the streets for a while and his family lost track of him. Finally his mother decided to check different morgues in the city and found him in October. The really sad thing is that the tag on his body said he had been dead since February. Can you imagine? Eight months, eight months? A mother not knowing what happened to her son for eight months? A child laying in a morgue for eight months without being identified? I almost cried when my kid didn't show for his final exam today.. but I was so relieved when he walked in about a half hour later. I wanted to give him a big hug I was so happy he made it.

Urban teaching, this is why we don't last. It's just too much for one heart to hold.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Long Road to Ruin

Winding down the semester, finals start next week. I find myself talking to a co-working Tuesday morning.. "I just realized this is the end of first semester.. which means we still have a whole other semester to go. This can't be only the end of first semester.. I feel like I've been here my whole life!!"

Tuesday, during advisory (which is basically homeroom) I had a difficult but good conversation with one of my students. He's the same kid that was complaining about my worksheets not being about cars :). The topic for the day was about violence prevention and other sorts of things.. basically trying to motivate the students to become activists in their lives. They all see injustice, so what are they going to do about it? This student and I were talking about how he doesn't feel like he can do anything about his situation, he's just a kid. All they hear about is the white people in charge, and who's going to listen to a "young latino kid from the streets"? To which I say MAKE THEM LISTEN.

So our conversation turns towards the difference between me as an Asian minority and he as a Latino minority. I point out that even though Asians in this country are for the most part doing fairly well, we had our share of hard times doing the dirty work in getting this country started. He puts it as "the Chinese built the railroads, the blacks picked the cotton, and the Latino people picked the grapes.. but we're STILL picking the grapes!" He says yes, I am a minority too, but the kind that lives on the good side of the city.

I admit that he's right, but then point out that I am trying to do something about it.
"Why do you think I chose to come to teach at a school like this?"
"Yeah, I ask myself that everyday. Why is Ms. Chew teaching at a school like this?"
"I could have gone to Lowell (think Blair equivalent for you Maryland readers) or some other rich school, but I chose to do something about how things are and come here."
"Alright Ms. Chew, you're alright with me."

It's not the first conversation I've had with students where I get to put my money where my mouth is and say, look, I don't know much about your lives but I do care about you, why else would I be at this school? It's easy to get good teachers at rich, good schools, but who wants to teach at run-down, problem ridden city schools? Each time I have that conversation.. I'm further convicted of why I do what I do, but then sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. Because I don't know how long I can do this for. I don't really know how long anyone can do this for, except for an amazing, amazing few teachers. And in my mind, it's almost like the moment that I decide to walk away (whenever that might be, near or distant future) I'll undo all the good that I've done and become one of those people who does a stint in urban schools but then goes back to the safety and security of a cushy suburban job.

Anyways I'm not really going places with this post, I've just been reflecting a lot (esp. since the holiday break) about what I'm doing with my life, and where and how long I might be doing this for. I'm in no way close to declaring myself a lifer. Right now I can't say that I'm a lifer for city schools, teaching, or even the West Coast. Which is kind of hard to admit, but the truth. I've still got a long way to go in this school year, and a lot about myself to figure out.