Reality Check

Everyone needs a good reality check every once in a while. Sometimes I like to be the one to serve these doses of reality to my kids. For instance (from a few weeks back)..

1. The kiddies are doing a worksheet on momentum-impulse theory stuff. There's a problem on the worksheet about a bug that hits a bus windshield. You know.. the force on the bug is the same as the force on the bus, the impulse is the same as well, etc, etc, etc.. one of my groups of boys just can't seem to concentrate on the worksheet. They keep talking about cars.. fixing them, mod-ing them, wrecking them, and no matter how many times I tell them to get back to work their minds always seem to come back to cars.
   
   After the bajillionth time trying to get them on task, one of the boys insightfully asks, "Ms. Chew, all we can think about are cars. You should put cars on this worksheet."
   
   I reply, "But there is a car. There's a bus."
   
   "Yeah, but who wants to drive a bus?"
   
   "YOU will if you don't get your act together and graduate high school!!"
   
   
2. Then during the next period, some of the girls on student council are talking about the big winter ball in January. It's quite pricey, but they assure me that it's because it's really nice, at a nice place, and there's food. They want to know if I'm going to go. I tell them I'll go only because I'm a teacher and I don't have to pay.
   
   Then my favorite slacker (the soccer player who skipped out on his club tourney in LA) then says, "I'll go with Ms. Chew so I won't have to pay either!"
   
   To which I respond, "You don't do anything for me why am I gonna go do anything for you?!?"

But then sometimes reality checks are not so pleasant. Like last week's brutal reminder that yes, I am working in an inner-city and my kids are real-life city kids. Last week was especially crazy and usually our incidents are much more spread out. Things were already tough when we found out a few weeks ago that another one of our graduates was killed in some gang-related violence. I teach his girlfriend too. Tristan and her are in the same circle of friends, so it's been especially tough on them.

Then the crazy of last week.

On Monday we had one of our sophomore girls threatening to jump off of the 3rd floor balcony. Luckily there were people around to diffuse the situation and get her help so she didn't hurt herself. I don't know her, but I know it got a lot of people shook up for the beginning of the week.

On Tuesday one of my boys (well, not technically my boy b/c I don't teach him, but he always tries to sneak into my 7th period) was stabbed in the neighborhood after school because of his colors. Or more specifically, from what we hear it was his girlfriends' colors that caught attention and then he was asked to lift up his shirt and show his belt color. One of my kids told me that the incident was very similar to how Tristan's boyfriend died, so that circle of friends was again very shaken up.

On Thursday another one of my boys, from the same group of friends, was held up at gunpoint for his iPod in Daly City. I don't know too many details about that story, but it was the cherry on top of a bitter, gritty week of city life for my kids.

Sometimes it's good to be reminded of why I do what I do. My kids shouldn't have to go through these hard times day after day. They're good kids, they are. They don't always make the best choices but if you just spend a few days and get to know them, you'll find that they're not all hardasses and they really are just kids at heart. It's this damn city that beats the kid out of them. I hope and pray that I'm making a difference in their lives, if through nothing else but just loving on them day in and day out. I'm not gonna lie, I'm very much looking forward to the break and time off of school, but maybe 2+ weeks off of school is dangerous for them. I pray that they'll be safe and come back to me in 2008.

Desperately in love...

...with my kids.

Sometimes I forget, amongst the firedrills and fistfights and failing grades and peeing on doors, how much I really love my kids. And I know sometimes I just say that because making myself believe it gets me through the day. But today, today I was reminded that I really do love my kids. And they really are what gets me through the day.

Today my kids played in the San Francisco high school soccer championship finals against the rival school. Both our schools are in the same neighborhood and we lost to them in the finals last year, so it was a pretty big deal to play them again this year. I have like half the soccer team (and the cheerleading squad) in my classes, so naturally I had to show up to support them.

It was pouring rain, the field was a giant mud puddle mess, and we lost 2-0, but I couldn't be happier. Going to games and seeing my kids outside of the context of my classroom not only ups my street cred, but (for lack of a better phrase) it warms my heart to see my kids being kids. Hanging out with their friends and getting caught up in the moment. Even Stunna was there, forgetting to act too cool for school and cheering for the team. We had a great turn out of staff at the game and an even greater turnout of students and friends braving the freezing pouring rain to be a part of it all. I forgot how magical high school sports can be. And seeing one of my boys hugging his mom and crying after the game because he is a senior and this is his last game is an image that I will hold on to and cherish for months to come. That broke me. I remembered what my last game senior year was like, and for the first time I voluntarily hugged my kids. Kids being kids. This is what it's all about.

My Stanford buddy DK came up to catch the tail end of the game and just hang out with me in the city, and I couldn't help noticing that as we chatted at the local bar over a drink to thaw out our frozen bodies.. I couldn't stop talking about my kids. About Stunna cheering on the team, about Philip hugging his mom, about my kid in the red shoes who skipped his club tournament in LA to be with his team this weekend.. and it feels good. It feels good to forget about how frustrating and hard this teaching thing has been and just love on my kids. In this moment, right now.. it finally feels right. And I needed to write this feeling down before it's Monday again (or Tuesday, for this week.. 3-day weekend w00t!!) and I have to remind myself what the heck I'm doing this all for.

Hello, yeah, it's been a while..

..not much, how 'bout you?

It's not that I have a lack of stories to tell and it's not that I haven't had time to write them. There's just a certain level of laziness that settles in and immobilizes me after school, to the point where after I've done all my planning for the next day, I only have the mental capacity to melt in front of the TV, a DVD, or some streaming Heroes/Grey's/Private Practice episodes. Sad? Yes, I know.

This week was crazy. But let me just throw in some stories from last week, before I forget them.

One of my students was absent from school for a day or so, and so when he came back I asked him for his readmit slip. He told me he hadn't gotten one yet because he needed to get his dad to write him a note for missing school. And then he asked, "My dad hasn't come home for a few days.. should I be worried?" Wahlauh.. what are you supposed to say to that?!? It's just him and his dad at home, and he hasn't seen his dad in a few days. I tried to be calm and reasonable, advised him to call some relatives or his dad's friends to see if they know where he's been. In the back of my mind I'm thinking.. do I call CPS?? Thankfully, the story has a (kind of) happy ending. His dad had just been coming home really late and leaving really early, so that he was only home while the kid was asleep. So on the one hand it's good that nothing happened to his dad, but on the other.. the kid still hadn't seen his dad for a few days. That's not so great.

Another student of mine missed some three days in the week, and I found out it was because her dad just died. When she finally came back to school, we were standing outside my classroom door chatting with another student/friend. Friend goes "where have you been?" and she responds "..my dad died?" Like a question. With a confused half smile. Like.. what the heck else can I say? But then her friend asked why she was smiling and laughing.. but I could tell that she was smiling because it sure beats crying. She said it didn't come as a surprise because her dad was drunk all day every day. I wanted so bad to give her a big hug.. but all I could do was give her an awkward pat on the head.

Stunna missed school one day because he was in the hospital. He said he was showing signs of appendicitis so they ran all these tests on him. But then he got tired of it.. and went home. As in.. just decided to up and leave. Knowing full well that if he really did have appendicitis and his appendix ruptured he could die. Because he was tired of waiting. His reasoning- "I figured if they found anything out from my tests they would call me." A seventeen year old's logic never fails.

Ok.. let's switch gears and turn off the world's tiniest violin.. this week was Halloween. Which was the main contributor to the crazy. I did dress up as my alter-ego "Ms. Chew Rocks!!" and it was really fun. My kids loved my outfit. Some of them even said I should dress like that every day. I had been warned by other veteran teachers that I shouldn't really plan on getting much done that day, so I was fine with having a pretty lowkey class. Halloween itself wasn't terribly eventful.. enjoyable, even.

The crazy began the next day. When kids either didn't come to school because they were too hungover from the night before, when they were half dead if they were in school because they had stayed up all night or were crashing from their sugar highs. I literally had to give two girls a time-out in opposite corners of the room because when I turned my back for a hot second, they were PULLING EACH OTHERS' HAIR. Like five year olds. And today the fire alarm went off three times. We only had to evacuate the building twice, but those happened within 15 minutes of each other.. right at the end of 6th period and the beginning of 7th. Which was actually kind of nice because it meant I didn't have to deal with my hell of a 7th for very long. Nonetheless.. it was a crazy end to a crazy week and I was more than happy to get the hell out.

What keeps me going these days is that there are some kids that I absolutely love. The ones that I can kick it with. That somehow I've gained street cred with. I don't have any specific stories to tell about them this time around.. but just know that there's still a part of me that loves my job because of these kids.

I'll end this hodgepodge post a picture of my Halloween getup. Enjoy.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you..

..Ms. Chew Rocks!! \m/

I'm THAT teacher...

Student: "Ms. Chew, are you married?"
Me: "No, I'm not."
Student: "Ms. Chew, do you at least have a boyfriend?"
Me: "No, I don't."
Student: "Dang, you don't even have a boyfriend?!? Ms. Chew, you gotta get on it!!"

Rough Landing, Holly

Oddly enough, it's days like these that remind me of how much I love teaching. I will never be short of stories to tell. I wrote my first referral today, but not for one of my students. While I would love to post what I wrote in the referral word-for-word, I turned it into the Dean before I made myself a copy, so you'll have to do with what I can recall from memory. But believe me, the incident is FRESH (I wish it wasn't so fresh) in my mind.

So, this has been a pretty crazy week for me. I'm losing my voice and getting a cold, mostly from the fact that the heat in my apartment wasn't working up until yesterday. The cold has begun to settle in to the city, which makes part of me miss the sunny, sunny South bay. Plus I have these four girls (believe me, I've used stronger words to describe them, but right now I'm in a better mood) in my 3rd period who have the entitlement syndrome (they feel they're entitled to an A, even though they bombed my unit test). I've got kids failing left and right, not for lack of understanding, but mostly because they have 2 assignments total turned in. And this, this is how I end my week...

It's Friday, and I'm in my 5th period prep taking a breather and mentally preparing myself for the onslaught of 6th and 7th period. There's about 10 minutes left in the period, so I hit up the staff ladies' room. I'm washing my hands and about to head back to my classroom, when I [beginning referral word-age here] smell, hear, and see urine coming under the door. I snap open the door and a student quickly turns his back to me. He says he was waiting for his girlfriend by the girls room and was ducking into the little hallway so that his teacher wouldn't see him. I ask him what's going on and he denies having anything to do with the smell of piss on the floor.

So I give him the benefit of the doubt, although he was the one who was standing in front of the staff bathroom door right as I opened it and he was the one with the awkward body shuffle (think... probably pulling up his pants), and ask him if he saw who did it. At first he says no, but then when I point out to him that he is the only one standing in front of the door and I literally saw the pee coming under the door, he says oh yeah, he did see some guy. He makes up some generic description of about 80% of the male population in our school, so I say sure, come down to the office with me and help me report this incident because you're my eyewitness. He's reluctant to go and a few times turns around and starts walking away, but I'm persistent. I'm not letting this go. I just got peed in the vicinity of, I'm not letting this go. Finally a security guard comes by and I explain the situation to him and he escorts the student to the Dean's office.

I then proceed to make the most bizarre phone call down to the main office to call for a custodian because someone peed on the staff bathroom door. To which, the secretary says "Someone PEED on the door?!?" My thoughts, exactly.

Needless to say, it made quite a story to tell during Happy Hour. I debated about posting this story here because I know my mom reads this blog, but I couldn't not post it. Welcome to school in the inner city. Where kids pee on doors.

October, WHAT?!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have officially survived my first month of teaching. And after this week, my first grading period. For the first time, I will be assigning grades for report cards. The tables have TURNED, my friend!!

But in all seriousness.. it's pretty surreal that it's already October. ROCKtober. I know I haven't updated in a while, believe me it wasn't for lack of stories to tell. I guess I just haven't taken much time to reflect. School is still pretty tough, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. Mondays are rough.. I still get anxious on Sunday nights when I realize I have another long week ahead of me, but it's all about taking baby steps. I'm surviving, enjoying my kids even, most of the time.

On Friday we had our all-school Welcome Back assembly, which for whatever reason happened at the end of the fifth week of school. The superintendent came and spoke and everything and they had a portion of the assembly devoted to welcoming new staff members, myself included. It was really cheesy and lame.. run under the balloon archway when they call your name and everything. But I'm not gonna lie, it was really nice that when they called my name and I walked through the arch, my kids cheered for me. Nevermind the fact that I told 4th and 6th period to cheer "Ms. Chew ROCKS!" I yelled at 7th period all day and they still showed love. Even the other staff members have mentioned my warm reception since. Yes, I've made it. I'm the cool teacher ;) Just kidding. I'm not letting it get to my head, but it was nice after a hard day to get some sort of appreciation from the kids. No matter how much I yell at them and confuse the hell out of them with the math-y side of physics, they still seem to like me. I'm trying to return the favor.

One of my 7th period kids decided to claim one of my chem class safety goggles. He said he just wanted to borrow it and wear it around. I agreed, on one condition: I would write "CHEW" on it. He did me one better, and had me write "Ms. Chew ROCKS!" across the front. He wears them on his forehead around school from time to time. He's also one of the kids who yells up to me from the first floor and gets me to do my "Ms. Chew ROCKS" dance. He can be completely hell to deal with in class, but boy, that kid is a riot to have around.

We had Back-to-School Night last week, and I was actually pleasantly surprised by the turn-out of my kids' parents. Next to the super-cool freshmen Earth Sci teacher, I had the most parents visit me in the Science Dept. Rocktastic. I only got a few comments about my age (muy jovenista!), but for the most part the parents were happy to see me and anxious to hear about how their kids were doing in my class. For the most part I had good news for them, I didn't have the heart to say anything bad besides the occasional "he talks a lot in class". Don't get me wrong, I wasn't lying about grades, especially since they've already had progress reports so theoretically they should already know their kids' grades. But the worst thing I could bring myself to say was "to be honest, your son likes to walk around the class a lot and sometimes he makes really inappropriate comments". For better or for worse, his sister was translating and I know that it just came out "habla mucho", but hey, I tried. All in all, it was a pretty good Back-to-School night, and I was actually less nervous for this one than I was when I was student teaching at Cupertino last year. Good to know that even the parents of some of the screw-ups still care. There's hope.

On a more serious note, I have one kid that I found out is a bboy. Ok, that's not the serious part, that's actually fun. I told him that I used to breakdance in high school and now his curiosity is piqued. He always wants to hear about what I used to do or see what I can still do. Maybe I'll make a deal with him.. pass my class and we'll battle after the final. I saw him dance at Back-to-School Night and I can take him. ;) But the serious part is when he stuck around afterschool to make up a test and chat. He told me about how he used to be mixed up in gang stuff, lost some close friends to the scene. But now he's out and he bboys to keep out of trouble. What do you say to that? That right there--that's inner city life. It breaks my heart, and I sincerely hope my heart never stops breaking.

The day my heart stops breaking had better be the day my heart stops, period.

Touching :)

If you could spend a day with anyone (living or dead), who would you choose and why?

I would choose my little brother, because I love him very much and I take good care of him. Also, because I really enjoy playing with him, he is so cute.

What do you like most about school? Why?

I like the afterschool homework I do in school, because I go to computers and all.

What do you like least about school? Why?

I really don't like the fighting, I mean, it's all about helping, not destroying.

What can I, as your teacher, do to make this class more engaging for you?

Nothing, you are a really good teacher, I like the way you teach. You are one of my favorite teachers.

MELT!

Help me remember

why I do this job.

I prefer to be called:

Chuy

What do you like most about school? Why?

girls! because I like girls and like to have girls I could be with on the weekends

What can I, as your teacher, do to make this class more engaging for you?

You seem like a cool fun teacher, just don't give up on your students and make fun projects.

Do you have any special learning, physical, or emotional needs you want me to know about?

No I don't have any, I'm a normal kid that just wants to learn new things

Do you have any questions for me, your teacher?

umm? no not really, just lookin' forward to know you as a teacher

..that makes two of us.

The Hardest Part

..is not just a Coldplay song.

For those of you who were wondering, I did finally move into the city. Thankfully, that shaves almost a half hour from my commute to school, and hopefully gives me back a half hour of my sanity.

Teaching is exhausting. In every sense of the word. I'll admit, that even now.. just the third week of the school year.. there are days when I just barely pluck myself out of bed to go to school. I find myself praying "God, help me. Help me serve my kids and be patient.. b/c I really don't want to be here right now." Can it really be this hard? Is this how the rest of my year is going to be?!? I breathe a huge sigh of relief when the end of 7th period rolls around each day.. but it's bittersweet b/c I know I'm going to have to do it all again the next day. I go home to my empty apartment w/ my roommate I never hang out w/ (mostly b/c I'm in bed by 10 every night).. and think.. Lord, when will this get easier?

Remember the hopes and fears activity I had my students do on the first day? I finally got around to reading the other students' responses.. this one comes from Tristan, the girl with the sad eyes (triste=sad en Español):

I hope I could get good grades and I hope I do things right so I won't fail any classes. And am looking forward to knowing what I gotta do for physics. But I do fear that I could possibly mess up in school because my boyfriend died during the summer so I'm really hoping I could clear my thoughts and do good. But my main goal is to pass my classes get my credits and join sports to keep my mind distracted.

I want to say that what keeps me going to work every morning is the hope that I'm making a difference in these kids lives, but some days.. I wonder if I'm even making a dent. And while I'm being completely honest.. I cry a lot, these days. I'm a complete basketcase whenever I talk to my family back home b/c I'm so freakin' homesick. Even just typing this, my eyes are welling up. Man.. it's only been four weeks since I've been home, but God I just need to make it 'til Christmas.

Ok so I promised this blog wouldn't be all sob stories and whining.. so I'll end with a story. My coworker and fellow STEP 2007 alum were eating lunch in another teacher's room with a bunch of freshmen. One such freshman decides to guess how old Lisa is.

"27?" He guesses.
"Close, 26." Lisa responds. "What about Ms. Chew? How old do you think she is?"
"I dunno.. 29?"

Rock.

Age ain't nothin' but a number..

Stunna: "Ms. Chew, how old are you?"
Me: "How old do you think I am?"
Stunna: "Old enough to be sitting behind one of these desks."

..the story of my life.

Heartache to heartache, we stand.

Three days deep into the school year and what a ride it's been. I'm not gonna lie.. it's only 8:39pm as I start this post and I kind of just want to go to bed right now. So far, teaching has been completely exhausting and physically grueling.. but I kinda love it.

Getting to know the kids and learn their names slowly, but surely, has been great. Like I said at the start, they are what it's all about. And my kids, my kids are city kids to the core. Some of them have some really gut-wrenching lives, the kind that no one, much less a 16 year old, should ever have to go through. I'm going to have to do my best to convince myself that they need to be learning about physics while the world around them keeps spinning (or crashing).

On the first day of class, as their "Do Now" (equivalent of a warm-up, the whole school does them) I had my kids write about three hopes and three fears they have for my class or for the year. Many of them fear failing the class and only a handful of them put that they hope to learn something (as the third hope last in line). One student, I'll call him Stunna b/c of his "stunna shades", wrote that he's afraid of messing up this year because he'll go to real jail, not juvy anymore. He's afraid of falling into his old ways and getting into fights. He's a charmer.. the kind of student that doesn't do real well or listen to you at all, but you love him anyway because of this ineffable quality he possesses. I hope he sticks out this year ok. I hope I can serve him. I hope he stays out of jail too.

Another one of my students has really sad eyes. If I didn't know any better, I'd think she was just sleepy. I wish she were just sleepy. Instead, her boyfriend of two years was shot and killed this summer. His sisters also go to our school, but I don't have them in any of my classes so I haven't interacted with them yet. How do you convince kids to care about school when their loved ones are ripped away from them? It's all I can do not to just run up to her and give her a hug and say "I'm here for you sweetie".. but at this point all I can do is smile at her and hope she knows I'm pulling for her. Today as she left class, she smiled (kinda?) and said "Bye Ms. Chew" and my heart just about fell apart. She's a trooper. She defines the word trooper.

Today during 7th period I had a student who was absolutely confrontational. That class is by far my largest class, so much so that I didn't have enough chairs set up around the desk tables. Three of the latecomers decided that they wanted to sit at the lab tables in the back, and when I asked them to pull up a stool to one of the desk tables, Ms. Faux-Hawk didn't want to have any of it. She kept throwing them 'bows, saying "man, I already got kicked out of one class today, now I'm gonna get kicked out of another". The beautiful thing, however, was that when I told her "hey, I don't want to kick you out. I'm not going to kick you out" she actually pulled up a stool and settled into class. A bit later I asked her about what happened in her other class and she totally leveled with me. Then she did a really great job on her classwork and wrote one of the most insightful responses I had seen all day. I'm excited to see where our relationship goes from here, but I'm hoping it's off to a better start.

On the lighter side of things, it's an incredible feeling that by the end of the first day, kids in the hall smile and say "Hi Ms. Chew" to me. Nevermind the fact that I only know a handful of my kids by name and that most of the time when I see them outside of my class the only way I know they have me is that they smile first/back at me. It's going to take me a good long while to get all their names down, and even more to get to know them and their stories. But I can't wait.

Last night, after work I felt like crap so I went to bed at 9pm. It felt really great but I didn't get anything done or get to hang out with anyone. Is this how my life is going to shape up to be? At least in school I get to "hang out" with my teaching colleagues. I am so looking forward to Happy Hour on Friday. And a glorious, glorious long weekend. Thank you, Mr. Labor, for having a birthday that we celebrate.

You have no idea how happy I am that hump day is over. Two more days until the long weekend. I sound like one of my kids.

And so it begins...

My name is Christie Chew. (Sometimes Christi). My students know me as Ms. Chew. (Sometimes Chew-Chew or Chewy). I'm about to begin my first year full-time teaching (no student-teaching or mentor teacher strings attached) so I thought I might document the perils of my first year. Who am I blogging for? Perhaps for other teachers in the same spot. Maybe for people considering the profession of teaching. But honestly, mostly to keep my sanity and have something to laugh at (or commiserate with) years down the line.

I teach at a public high school deep in the bowels of San Francisco. I teach juniors and seniors. I teach physics. And guess what? I just found out last Thursday that I teach chemistry as well, even though I haven't touched chemistry since my freshman year of high school. Such is the life of a science teacher in an inner-city high school. My class sizes range from 22 to 39 students; I have a total of 164 students on my roster for the start of the school year. My classroom is graciously spacious, but not stocked with much. And as it is with public schools around the country, we're operating on a tight budget. This is going to be and adventure.

My first day of classes is tomorrow. I'm not quite sure what to expect. I try to hold on to the ideals that I had coming into teaching--remember why it is that I volunteered for this line of work. But so far it's been tough to keep my focus and drive with no kids in my classroom. It's been great getting to know the staff at my school, especially because there are many young (maybe not-so) bright-eyed, bushy-tailed teachers just like me who are looking to change this little corner of the world. I'm just anxious to see how much life will change once those 16-18 year olds start waltzing through my door.

This year will be test to see just how much I give in to my insecurities. I'm a small gal, so I fully expect every one of my students to be bigger, taller, and meaner than me. I accept that. I'm also young, so I don't really demand respect simply by my presence (I sometimes envy teachers who have that). I've heard that what young, beginning teachers lack in experience, they more than make up for in dedication and passion for the students. I'll let you know how that goes. Oh, and of course, if I wasn't already insecure in my ability to teach and my knowledge of physics, now I have the privilege and pleasure of teaching chemistry. Chemistry, the subject that I absolutely hated in high school. The subject that I avoided in college by majoring in physics (some strange decision by the powers that be at my university). Like I said, an adventure.

Did I mention I'm homeless? I've been crashing on my friend's couch in Palo Alto for almost 2 months now. Which means I commute at least 2 hours a day to and from work. I won't get started on the reasons why I'm still homeless, but you know if I'm still homeless in a month I might need to start another blog dedicated to the perils of apartment hunting in San Francisco.

Well. I think this is a good enough start for this thing. I'm going to try to be honest, and let's hope it doesn't turn out to be all negative whining. I'll blog my favorite stories about students too (names changed, of course), because, let's face it, that's what teaching is all about.

At the end of the day, there's still nothing else I would rather be doing with my life. Welcome to the profession.