Long Road to Ruin

Winding down the semester, finals start next week. I find myself talking to a co-working Tuesday morning.. "I just realized this is the end of first semester.. which means we still have a whole other semester to go. This can't be only the end of first semester.. I feel like I've been here my whole life!!"

Tuesday, during advisory (which is basically homeroom) I had a difficult but good conversation with one of my students. He's the same kid that was complaining about my worksheets not being about cars :). The topic for the day was about violence prevention and other sorts of things.. basically trying to motivate the students to become activists in their lives. They all see injustice, so what are they going to do about it? This student and I were talking about how he doesn't feel like he can do anything about his situation, he's just a kid. All they hear about is the white people in charge, and who's going to listen to a "young latino kid from the streets"? To which I say MAKE THEM LISTEN.

So our conversation turns towards the difference between me as an Asian minority and he as a Latino minority. I point out that even though Asians in this country are for the most part doing fairly well, we had our share of hard times doing the dirty work in getting this country started. He puts it as "the Chinese built the railroads, the blacks picked the cotton, and the Latino people picked the grapes.. but we're STILL picking the grapes!" He says yes, I am a minority too, but the kind that lives on the good side of the city.

I admit that he's right, but then point out that I am trying to do something about it.
"Why do you think I chose to come to teach at a school like this?"
"Yeah, I ask myself that everyday. Why is Ms. Chew teaching at a school like this?"
"I could have gone to Lowell (think Blair equivalent for you Maryland readers) or some other rich school, but I chose to do something about how things are and come here."
"Alright Ms. Chew, you're alright with me."

It's not the first conversation I've had with students where I get to put my money where my mouth is and say, look, I don't know much about your lives but I do care about you, why else would I be at this school? It's easy to get good teachers at rich, good schools, but who wants to teach at run-down, problem ridden city schools? Each time I have that conversation.. I'm further convicted of why I do what I do, but then sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. Because I don't know how long I can do this for. I don't really know how long anyone can do this for, except for an amazing, amazing few teachers. And in my mind, it's almost like the moment that I decide to walk away (whenever that might be, near or distant future) I'll undo all the good that I've done and become one of those people who does a stint in urban schools but then goes back to the safety and security of a cushy suburban job.

Anyways I'm not really going places with this post, I've just been reflecting a lot (esp. since the holiday break) about what I'm doing with my life, and where and how long I might be doing this for. I'm in no way close to declaring myself a lifer. Right now I can't say that I'm a lifer for city schools, teaching, or even the West Coast. Which is kind of hard to admit, but the truth. I've still got a long way to go in this school year, and a lot about myself to figure out.